My Birthday Wishes

My mobile reminder started ringing and I took the phone and look into the reason why and I fell silent and bit my lip...it was the birthday of my mother...August 29, 2010...I place her details on my phone and simply forgot about the whole thing...and I was caught off-guard...which is why I felt silent...My mom is the kind of mom we always wish to have...kind, happy, loving, caring, sweet,full of life, a strict disciplinarian, a fabulous cook in our kitchen. She may have been uneducated with only primary school in her educational stint but I learned the best morals from her on generosity, kindness, forgiveness, on justice, on what is right or wrong, why not to cheat or be lying, on telling the truth, and on the many examples on hardships we experience with her and you never hear her complaining or her woes..our family was not dirt poor but My mom came from a really dirt poor family where they did not even have flip flops...and our economic status was not entirely middle class we were more on the lower...lowest middle class...we were always wanting for more and there was never enough for six growing brothers...In fact she even had to raise hogs to put us all through school because there wasn't enough money...I knew she suffered in silence...and I have many misgivings to her as a son...and I was not the most ideal "good" son at all...no matter how I try not to be "bad"...She is supposed to be 78 years old now...But we lost her in 1982...and I never had a chance to prove to her that I could be the person she has always wanted me to be...I love you dearly mom...and I miss you...

Eating Alone

One of the experiences I have gone through as an overseas worker was the drudgery of having to take my solitary meals. In my country eating has always been a social activity and we are quite good at that. We often times look for ways to have an eating party whether it be birthdays or any event that would cause a celebrations that has eating as a major activity.

In my case, I always remember in the olden days when all my family gather together with my mother preparing the Sunday meal and as far as I can recall we usually don't eat alone because we’re taught not to because everybody is called to eat together so that the food prepared will be good for everyone and nobody gets left out notwithstanding the appetite of a brood of six boys. Before my mom died, I was always her kitchen assistant and in due time I was already cooking. My mom would also take me to the market when I was a young teen so that I would carry the basket for her while she bought meat, veggies, rice, and fish. At times I remember that she usually leaves me in the market stall of one of her favorite shops as I was struggling with the weight of the basket and she would go wander around the market and pick-up some more goods and come back for me later. In those days I would cook a meal good for a family of ten persons and even now when I do cook I seem to make the mistake of cooking one too many ingredients even when I was only cooking for myself….

Before I went to work abroad, I have always loved to cook for my family during Sundays and it reminds me so much of all the meals I have cooked for my family. We always have these conversations around the table with my wife telling me about her day and her friends and my daughter eager to have her say and we normally keep up with each other’s activities and events during the meals.

Working abroad and being far from your family is another matter as I was on my own for the first time in my life and there were so many things I had to learn to adjust to. I couldn’t get use to the deafening ten to twelve hours of silence being alone inside my room but of course unless I talked to myself I am the only company I have with me which I feel is unhealthy for me as I may turn looney too soon if uncontrolled. Sometimes I turned on some music just to drone out the silence sitting in the room trying to make reason of my solitary status and I found myself also sleeping alone now.

Whatever it was before I left for abroad that I had always done with my wife but for now I had to do many things alone. Eating alone is still is one of the more dreadful of my learning experiences as I was working abroad. I have worked on this peculiar situation for a very long time until I was finally comfortable with myself out and about or in my own room where I had no dining companion. There was the screaming silence of eating alone. I would sit down at the table gazing and looking at a blank wall facing empty chairs. It was so uncomfortable and I felt the feeling of being sorrier for me than I was for myself. I would finally just make myself sit at the table. I was learning in another way to celebrate myself and my loneliness.

At first, it was quite very hard, mostly what I did was try to be matter of fact-ly of my situation and in the moment I was rationalizing my aloneness. The only sounds I hear and listen to are clink of fork and spoon on my plate, savoring the taste of my crispy skinned chicken and treating myself to a fruit cocktail salad which I ended up making for a family of six. In time I learned that I could enjoy the experience of dinner without any conversation for food that prepared for my self. Learning to eat alone gave me more affection and compassion for myself and what sacrifices I have to do to honor the solitary life I have now. The silence just confirms my incompleteness and coupled with the longing for company, my family and my home….

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