Eating Alone

One of the experiences I have gone through as an overseas worker was the drudgery of having to take my solitary meals. In my country eating has always been a social activity and we are quite good at that. We often times look for ways to have an eating party whether it be birthdays or any event that would cause a celebrations that has eating as a major activity.

In my case, I always remember in the olden days when all my family gather together with my mother preparing the Sunday meal and as far as I can recall we usually don't eat alone because we’re taught not to because everybody is called to eat together so that the food prepared will be good for everyone and nobody gets left out notwithstanding the appetite of a brood of six boys. Before my mom died, I was always her kitchen assistant and in due time I was already cooking. My mom would also take me to the market when I was a young teen so that I would carry the basket for her while she bought meat, veggies, rice, and fish. At times I remember that she usually leaves me in the market stall of one of her favorite shops as I was struggling with the weight of the basket and she would go wander around the market and pick-up some more goods and come back for me later. In those days I would cook a meal good for a family of ten persons and even now when I do cook I seem to make the mistake of cooking one too many ingredients even when I was only cooking for myself….

Before I went to work abroad, I have always loved to cook for my family during Sundays and it reminds me so much of all the meals I have cooked for my family. We always have these conversations around the table with my wife telling me about her day and her friends and my daughter eager to have her say and we normally keep up with each other’s activities and events during the meals.

Working abroad and being far from your family is another matter as I was on my own for the first time in my life and there were so many things I had to learn to adjust to. I couldn’t get use to the deafening ten to twelve hours of silence being alone inside my room but of course unless I talked to myself I am the only company I have with me which I feel is unhealthy for me as I may turn looney too soon if uncontrolled. Sometimes I turned on some music just to drone out the silence sitting in the room trying to make reason of my solitary status and I found myself also sleeping alone now.

Whatever it was before I left for abroad that I had always done with my wife but for now I had to do many things alone. Eating alone is still is one of the more dreadful of my learning experiences as I was working abroad. I have worked on this peculiar situation for a very long time until I was finally comfortable with myself out and about or in my own room where I had no dining companion. There was the screaming silence of eating alone. I would sit down at the table gazing and looking at a blank wall facing empty chairs. It was so uncomfortable and I felt the feeling of being sorrier for me than I was for myself. I would finally just make myself sit at the table. I was learning in another way to celebrate myself and my loneliness.

At first, it was quite very hard, mostly what I did was try to be matter of fact-ly of my situation and in the moment I was rationalizing my aloneness. The only sounds I hear and listen to are clink of fork and spoon on my plate, savoring the taste of my crispy skinned chicken and treating myself to a fruit cocktail salad which I ended up making for a family of six. In time I learned that I could enjoy the experience of dinner without any conversation for food that prepared for my self. Learning to eat alone gave me more affection and compassion for myself and what sacrifices I have to do to honor the solitary life I have now. The silence just confirms my incompleteness and coupled with the longing for company, my family and my home….